Pimp My D*ck

As I watched the Braves game last night I was thinking about what I would say after they won a close game on the road....

but they choked again and lost. My frustration level is getting quite high with these 'road-woes'. I cannot write anymore about it now.

However, I came up with a great new show this morning while watching MTV's 'Pimp My Ride'. My show will be called 'Pimp My D*ck'. The penis is a body part that is essential in the game of 'pimping' and thus is perfect for a new show. I'll have Xzibit show up at men who have penis issues' door and will pull their pants down and tell them he's there to "Pimp their D*ck".

You may be thinking, how can this happen?

Here is just a little preview on what this can be:

Xzibit gets the guest on the show to explain the issues w/ his penis. We have X examine the guest's penis and laugh at how pathetic it is and how much work it needs. We then go into a montage of past stories of the trouble the guest's penis has caused him. Finally the guest arrives in front of the doctor's at 'West Coast Custom Crotches' and proclaims to all 'Pimp My D*ck!'.

Just to scratch the surface of what can be done here....

This one is easy to envision, no further explanation needed.



Again, pretty easy to envision. Imagine how pimp it would be to replace your sac with fuzzy dice.



Racing stripes would certainly add horsepower in the bedroom...Pimptastic!



And last but not least, a custom light. It's like having a flash light available at all times and anytime you have sex, you can say you are spelunking.




I'm in talks right now with multiple networks to develop this show. I think I'm really onto something here.

Batting Stances

Les' Look at Life Events

Now I am not speaking for everyone here, but I have observed something recently that I don't understand.

Why do I feel obligated to tip a bartender but not the pizza guy when I choose to pick up a pizza instead of getting it delivered or when I get a Sub at Subway?

Since I do not drink liquor usually, a bartender just gets me a beer and hands it to me. If I have a tab I leave at least a 15% tip and if I am paying cash I will usually leave $1 each time I get a beer if I'm in a bar. Even at Braves games I'll leave 50 cents for the guy who gives me a beer from the cooler.

Yet if I walk into Papa John's to pick up a pizza they just made or into Subway for a sandwich, I just pay and leave. The pizza man made a pizza-more work than a liquor drink or opening a bottle. The Subway guy/girl made a sandwich-again more work than a purveyor of drinks.

There are small arguments that can be made about the differences b/w these things but basically they should be the same. At the core of their jobs a bartender is no more helpful than a 'Sandwich Artist' or a 'Pizza Chef'. Yet b/c his product makes us feel good, we owe him tips?

I'm not prepared to start a revolution over this. I certainly will not be tipping Papa John's or Subway people b/c I'm cheap, and the establishments charge too much as it is. At the same time, I don't want to be the asshole at the bar who doesn't tip.

So onward I will go, tipping some and not tipping others, although they essentially deserve the same fate.

Other things I don't understand and may elaborate on at some point:
-How exactly does a telephone work? Not just the normal answer, a detailed explanation of the how/why a voice can be transmitted and heard clearly
-How a fax machine works?Along the same lines
-Why many people care so much about animals that they decide to join PETA, yet are fervently pro-choice?

Braves at Brewers Live Blog

Oh Jorge......

Jorge Campillo was excellent in his first start for the Braves last night. Funnily enough, the Godfather yelled at him in the bullpen on Sunday and he stared the Godfather down for probably 3 seconds with no response before turning around. Initially I was upset with Mr. Campillo's reaction but after watching his interactions with his teammates last night I realized something.... Jorge probably doesn't speak English very well. That or some big, drunk dude yelling at him isn't something he's a fan of.

Regardless, Jorge looked as though he may be able to work his way into the rotation. He absolutely mowed down the Mets in his 6 innings of shutout ball last night. One thing that particularly impresses me about the man is his team picture, it cracks me up. He looks to be so deep in thought and possibly thinking of eating some tacos or something. If a picture is worth 1,000 words then 997 of those words for this picture are 'tacos'. The other 3 are 'Give me some'. And don't think I'm assuming he likes tacos because he's Hispanic. I am assuming it because he's fat and because I am an expert at new age energy release. I can sense the energy beaming from him as a bright red and orange spiral, I then use my superior intuition to narrow this energy down into what it will manifest itself into.... that my friends is a love of tacos.

I've only seen that energy from one other person, the Godfather-Matt T. This is bigger than finding the Titanic, I have found the 2 biggest taco lovers in the entire world.

Success at a Price

Well, the goal this weekend was to attend Saturday night's Braves game but getting tickets turned out to be quite an issue. We waited to get tickets at the gate and paid the price for it, the lihne extended for probably a 1/4 mile and it was decided that it was not worth it to wait in that line. Thus we ended up at a restaurant to watch the game.

Redemption came yesterday though as a last minute decision to attend the Sunday afternoon game was rewarded with a win. Jo Jo Reyes looked pretty good again and the Braves got a win. Frenchy still sucks, his poor play is beginning to become a problem and its really annoying me. Frenchy makes so many poor decisions at the plate, I think thats why he frustrates me so much.

We did sit in the 'Chop-House' during yesterdays game which was pretty enjoyable. We had a man-waiter bringing us beer all day, nothing better than that. Unfortunately, no Miller Lite on draft so I had to drink Bud Lite-I wasn't happy about it but I felt I had no choice. Apparently the Oakland A's do have some fans in Atlanta as quite a few were at yesterdays game. I never realized the trashiness of the A's fans, but they are quite the sight. One lovely young lady decided to wear some shorts that were about 4 sizes to small with a nice green tank top that was also way too small. She had fat rolls coming out everywhere, I literally almost vomited. As always w/ people like her, she thought she was hot. She strutted around like she owned Turner Field and kept her head high as if every guy was checking her out. Don't get me wrong, most guys would still hit it but it wasn't a pretty sight.

Now the Braves have got a pretty big stretch coming this week. The Mets come in town tomorrow and then the Diamondbacks this weekend. My record for the year is at a solid 5-2 and talks have begun to trying to stretch it to 6-2 tomorrow night. Nothing beats heckling Mets fans so it might get pretty ugly.

Manny being Manny

This is all kinds of awesome:

A Great Weekend

Game 5 for me this year took place last night and the Braves got the win to bring my personal record to 3-2 for the year. Weather was a concern yesterday but fortunately the rain left town early to make for a lovely evening. The game itself was awesome as the Bravos brought out the bats and hit the ball all over the yard.

The Tomahawk Thrust was again unveiled w/ passionate fury that cannot be described in words. The man who performs this dance, G-stein, chose to wait until the 6th inning to break it out but once he did bedlam ensued. The fans in our section were wildly supportive and were in absolute awe of G-stein and his dancing. Stein even got a little competition from a 12 year old who is well on his way to holding one in his mouth 'til the swelling goes down. Unfortunately, the 12 year old wasn't like most people of his persuasion as he was an awful dancer. He was persistent though, and made it on the big screen-much to his delight.

Chipper Jones is fulfilling my early season prediction for him thus far, this is great news considering some other Braves haven't started playing well yet. I love Frenchy but something seems to be wrong with him so far this year. Not only is he not hitting for power, he isn't hitting the ball hard. Hopefully his being married isn't draining the strength out of him b/c if it is, time for a divorce. JoJo Reyes actually looked decent last night as well which is very encouraging. With Smoltz likely out of the rotation, we've got to have someone else step up. Reyes clearly has the talent, just a matter of using that pea between his ears.

Anyway, a solid weekend for baseball and beer. The Miller Lites really went down well yesterday. I'd say as far as drinking beer goes, I've had as good a season as Chipper Jones.